This post is written to participate in the Blog Hop initiated by the lovely TM over at Tortoise Tales. To be honest before TM bought up the concept and directed me to this fabulous and concise definition from Wikipedia, I hadn’t ever really contemplated the notion of defining what we lose because of the choices we make. I mean I know it is something that is constantly occurring and I have seen Sliding Doors so the idea of your life going on a different direction because of a snap decision is kind of fascinating.
When I think about opportunity cost decisions or choices I have made in my life there are many and many that stick out. Some big, some not so big but I guess that isn’t the point. They have all meant my life went on a direction different to the direction it would have taken had I chosen the opposite path.
When I was I was a tweeny I was a ballet dancer. I was totally convinced that that was the path I was going to take. I lived for ballet, in fact my siblings were known to sing a certain song about me and ‘the ballet’, it went something like “Joanne, Joanne, Joanne, (pause) ballet, ballet, ballet” (catchy I know!). Then when I was around 14 I got glandular fever and had to take some time away from my classes. As time went on I found myself less and less interested in going back as my social life and my interest in boys was increasing by the second so spending all my free time at the ballet school was less and less appealing. I made a decision to quit.
Looking back now, some 30 years later, I really regret that decision. Although I probably had no real say in it ultimately as I was still under the care of my parents as they were paying the ballet fees and driving me to classes so most likely VERY relived by my decision, I often think about how my life might be different if I had continued down that path. And of course if I had persisted I would have been a Prima Ballerina who danced around the world and wowed audiences with my grace and talent 
. I would have been a star furrsure.
More recently my life decisions have been around creating my family. And just today I have been ruminating about my decision to stop trying to conceive my own child and pursue foster care. Is it the right choice? Should I have kept going? What about egg donation? Would it be easier in the long run to be pregnant and give birth? I am usually a person who decides on something and sticks with it, convinced my choice is the right one, sometimes to my own detriment. But around this subject I feel wobbly. I hear myself preach my spiel about my choice and it does feel right but there is this little annoying voice, or perhaps it is biology, that naggingly makes me roll it over and over in my head. Things occur around me, people get pregnant and I falter. Then I read blogs and talk to others pursuing this same path and I feel convinced, invigorated again.
I know foster care will be the path I take but I guess I will always have that “What if?” question. I am sure that question will diminish as my family comes together and my choice overrides any opportunity cost question that may linger. Or will it?
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I can imagine just how difficult this decision must be for you, particularly given the loss you have already survived. Whichever path you take is not easy, each has its challenges, but hopefully you will soon have your family in front of you, which will make the decisions you have made all worthwhile. No doubt, then you will face a plethora of very different opportunity costs.
First of all, I never knew your name was actually Joanne!
Secondly, I think you’re going to make a remarkable run up from behind and still take on the world’s stage with your ballet skillz. Even if it’s only in our collective consciousness.
Thirdly, I hear you on the wobbles. You know I do. I think it’s just another one of the shitty side effects. It’s certainly normal. We’ve just gotta ride the waves. Although if you need an egg…
First of all, yes Joanne it is. Another lovely song my siblings used to sing to me was “Joanne Joanne the les-bian”. They were the veritable Von Trapps!
Secondly, as you know I am going back to ‘The Ballet’ as an adult student so yes, there is still opportunity.
Thirdly, hmmmmmm.
I’ve been revisiting my decisions as I gear up for an ED cycle Jo. I’ve concluded (this might change) that there is no ‘right’ path, just what ends up working to bring us our children. It’s as we are trying to build our families that we wonder ‘is the the right thing to do’? But I do believe once we have our families it will be just ‘this is how I finally got to meet you’. Part of our children’s stories.
I saw you dance as a tween……… you were fabulous.
We all make choices and maybe reject one opportunity for another , but that is how life works.We all have to move forward.
And that is what you are doing….and you’re still fabulous.
Thanks love. x
I had the same doubts and what-ifs. They do lessen – a lot (or float away into the eather actually) – when you become a mum. And once you bond with your child (after that first while – if it’s weeks, or days or hours) — it’s not going to matter a drop that you didn’t give birth — he or she will be ‘your’ child. Just hang in there – and let the doubts hang around – they’re just desperate because they know you’re not going to need them for much longer – so they want to suck all the energy out of you while they can
(I have a couple of people in my life who don’t beleive me, and think that “if you get pregnant you’ll realise just how little you do love those kids, and just how much having “your own” matters” — to which I replied – you can’t know anything about how attached you can be to a child you never gave birth to – because you’ve never done it! to which she had nothing to say but ‘yeah’)
I often think about the tiny little moments in time that are pivotal in leading me to where I am today. Of course I’ve made some decisions that have contributed to this path, and the most momentous one was choosing to end my TTC #2 journey, but the really significant moments are probably things that happened by chance or serendipity rather than grand planning on my part. It’s super-dooper cheesy, but I honestly think that the world works in mysterious ways, and sometimes the path happens to you, rather than you making it happen. In retrospect, I wish that I saw the light years ago and stopped dancing around with evil IVF, because I know now that it doesn’t matter one jot how your baby gets to you. You love them just the same. In fact I frequently forget, in the day to day of our lives, that Froglet wasn’t born to me. Of course there’s an added layer of complexity in parenting a child who wasn’t born to you, but you’re one of the smart ones, who’ll take that complexity and make something wonderful out of it. Doubts can be your friend too, because they ask you to think carefully about your choices, and clarify what really, truly is important to you. I’m sure that you’re perched on the edge of a wonderful new start. It’s out there just waiting to unfold.
I’ve got the wobbles too, and I haven’t had the recent (further) delays and setbacks that you’ve had. The less momentum you have the more opportunity for doubts to creep in. What else would we fill up the hours with?
The bottom line is that the WAITING is a horrendous. Hate the waiting.
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